This group is the worst at talking about money with their families, and here's what they should do.

By Beth Pinsker

Get started talking about taboo money topics with your family - even if you're ashamed or worried about getting ripped off

I talk with my kids all the time about money - it's an occupational hazard - but I rarely talk to them in detail about my money, as in how much I make or have saved. As a Generation X mom, I'm just about normal.

According to a new survey from U.S. Bank on "Challenging conversations about money," only 59% of my age cohort of parents feel comfortable discussing their finances with their children, in contrast to 62% of boomer parents and 63% of millennial parents. Moms were worse at this than dads, with only 58% comfortable with the discussion, compared to 67% of dads.

What are we all afraid of? If your kids or parents knew how much you make, would they be judgmental in one way or another? They could either think less of you because you are struggling, or they could suddenly look at you like a giant, glittery ATM.

For the most part, people seem to fear the negative, rather than a potential onslaught of relatives looking for a handout. "There's definitely a shame element to it," said Scott Ford, head of wealth management for U.S. Bank. "I know a situation where somebody lost a home. And we said, 'Why didn't you guys say anything?' And it was because they didn't want to admit they were in financial trouble."

In some families, there can also be a fear of mismanagement. The U.S. Bank survey found that almost half of parents don't trust the way their kids handle money. Not even all spouses are comfortable with the way their counterparts handle money. About a third of married people said they lie about money to their spouses because they think they are better financial stewards.

Consequences of shame

This reluctance to discuss money in a family usually doesn't have much practical import until you reach older ages, and then there are real consequences to the dynamic where elderly parents do not talk to their adult children about their finances. The U.S. Bank survey found that 45% of people didn't have any idea about their parents' financial situation, and yet nearly the same percentage of people thought they'd have to provide some financial support for their parents as they aged.

If you don't know what financial situation is going to fall into your lap, there's no way for you to prepare. That leaves families in emergency mode all the time, when they could have possibly forestalled disasters.

Ford saw this with his own family when his mother got sick. They had to scramble to pay her property taxes, and had no idea where her checkbook was or if there was enough money in the account to cover the bill. "It became urgent," he said. "We should have been more up to speed on mom's finances, her bank accounts and her bills."

One thing that holds a lot of people back from having conversations about money, Ford said, is that they don't think they have enough savings to be worth talking about - either with family or with a professional adviser of some sort - and this makes them feel like they've handled their lives badly. "It really just bugs me that people don't think they have enough money to talk to somebody," Ford said.

There are ways to get help even with the smallest money questions, even if it's just running some numbers on a free internet calculator, calling the customer-care center of a financial institution to ask a simple question or brainstorming with a trusted family member.

Danielle Miura, a financial adviser who specializes in caregiving planning, suggested starting the conversation by hopping in the car, like you would to have a chat with a teenager who is reluctant to talk. That first step is the hardest, but you can take it slow. Miura compared it to planting seeds, so that later, when there's an emergency, everyone is ready.

She has one client who has been taking this approach with their adult children to get them ready to help them handle their finances as they age. "It's a success story that they're planting seeds," she said, "But the real success story comes once the action is needed."

The sandwich dilemma

The good news out of the U.S. Bank survey is that each generation is getting better at talking about money as time goes on, albeit slowly. "For the generations above us, their parents didn't talk to them about it, but twice as many today are talking about it," Ford said. One reason that Generation X is so anxious when it comes to talking about money may be because they are the ones getting squeezed on both sides.

Many of today's 50-somethings are dealing with aging parents and raising their own children at the same time. This has certainly been the case in my extended household, and it's hard to play both sides at the same time. How much will you need for college? For home health aides? For baby diapers and adult diapers? It can be incredibly overwhelming.

"The advice we give people is to start small," Ford said. It may be too scary to ask straight out: How much do you have saved? Instead, start with: How much are you spending on groceries? What does your medicine cost?

"Maybe they'll start to open up," said Ford. "And maybe it's helpful because then it's about them and not you."

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-Beth Pinsker

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10-02-24 1431ET

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