How to Talk to Your Family About Inheritance

Memento mori—though not a very cheery sentiment, it is a practical one.

Though we will die, many of our things—our money, items, children, and legacy—don’t die with us, which is why estate planning is such an integral part of any adult’s life.

Communicating your bequest plans to your family is important, though it can be difficult. Beyond the general discomfort of talking about death, the topic of inheritance brings in a whole other set of sticky issues. For example, you may worry about the effects of such a gift on loved ones. Will your plan ruffle feathers? Will it bring out ugly materialism or greed? Such concerns may have you hoping your will can simply speak for itself.

Yet, research finds that parents’ and children’s expectations for bequests are rarely aligned, even among those who have a good relationship, which is why it’s so important to get on the same page with heirs early on.

For example, one common misconception among inheritors is that a child who has received greater financial aid from their parent in life will receive more inheritance than their siblings, yet parents overwhelmingly plan to split things evenly among their children regardless of need. This misalignment of expectations can result in unintended messages being communicated by your bequest.

In addition to ensuring clear intentions, better parental communication about finances has been found to boost well-being and reduce financial stress in adult children in times of transition. As for you, communicating about your bequest gives you the opportunity to express not just the materials but also the values you hope to pass on—and this act of articulating your legacy has been found to be a vital and rewarding part of an adult’s life.

Provided you already have your estate planned, the next step is to talk about it with your heirs. Use these three tips to make the most of your conversations.

3 Tips for Talking About Inheritance

1. Reflect on your own experience as an inheritor. Whether positive or negative, you may find insight into how you want to handle your own bequest. For example, did you experience conflict because a family member failed to communicate how they were dividing cherished heirlooms? Or did you appreciate how a loved one explained their plans to divide things equally among heirs to avoid family conflict over material goods? Your personal connection to the experience may motivate you to articulate how you decided who will inherit what or to address the intentionality behind your decisions.
2. Be ready to discuss how you view your legacy. Take some time to ask yourself what “legacy” means to you. There are many ways to think of your legacy. When it comes to inheritance, the obvious theme is the material legacy you will leave behind, like heirlooms and money. But take it a step further: What do you want these things to say to your heirs? Perhaps more importantly, what do you not want them to say? Some people may find they pass on a biological legacy—not just the genes they pass on but also how they have learned to handle health and illness. Furthermore, many will find they leave a legacy of values, which they may transmit not only through their lived experiences but also with their bequest. Talking about inheritance gives you the opportunity to discuss those values with your inheritors. Although it can be difficult to articulate your values, using ready-built frameworks can help ease the process.
3. Create a concrete plan for the conversation. Creating a plan for how you are going to have these discussions will make you more likely to follow through. Make sure to incorporate several factors into the plan. First and foremost: When and where will it happen? Will it be at your home? Somewhere meaningful to the family? On Zoom? You will also want to plan who will attend. Some people find it easier to have individual conversations with heirs, but also consider how and when you might want to extend the conversation to all inheritors. Finally, consider how you want to send your message. Consider your framing (that is, how will you bring up the topic?), your talking points, how you are going to solicit feedback and questions, and more.

Although it can be uncomfortable to talk to family about inheritance, there is much to be gained through these conversations—and a lot that can be lost without them.