'At times, the pain is unbearable': My daughter cut me out of her life. I'm conflicted - do I exclude her from my will?

By Quentin Fottrell

'I scrimped, saved, invested and worked multiple jobs my entire adult life so my children would never have to pay my senior-care medical expenses'

Dear Quentin,

I never imagined I would find myself in this position, but my adult daughter distanced herself from me some time ago for what I considered perceived slights (though I understand that in her mind they were very real).

After a number of years of attempting to apologize, talk things out, listen and learn from what she has to say, and otherwise make amends, I ultimately accepted the fact that she is determined to never speak or communicate with me again.

I will never get to know my grandchildren - or experience the joy of my daughter's company again. At times, the pain is unbearable, but I realize the situation is not going to change and I can only continue to live my life and appreciate that which I do have.

What do I do about inheritance? I scrimped, saved, invested and worked multiple jobs my entire adult life so my children would never have to pay my senior-care medical expenses, and there would be money to pass on to them.

As I ramp down toward retirement, I am delaying getting my will, etc. in order, as I am struggling to decide what to do. My instinct is to leave my daughter out of the will because she is not a part of my life; I can't picture a reason to include her.

However, you regularly advise against that sort of thinking, saying the impact to other people left behind must be considered. Am I interpreting your standard advice the way it is meant, or am I applying it to a different set of circumstances?

Can you help me understand? Any help you can give me is appreciated.

Torn

Related: 'This flies in the face of my morals and ethics': My father cut my sisters out of his six-figure estate. Should I push back?

Dear Torn,

Here's my rule: There is no rule.

Any financial or life-altering decisions I have made in my lifetime - good or bad - I have usually been given all the information I needed to act upon. However, whether I (or anyone else) actually listens to that information is another question. My mantra: "Listen to your body because your mind will lie through its teeth."

You say that, at times, the pain is unbearable. What course of action would lessen your pain? And would excluding or including your daughter cause you more or less distress? Your letter is more focused on your daughter and the impact of her actions on you. But what can you do to ease the path ahead for yourself?

If you are indeed torn, as your sobriquet suggests, I'm guessing that your gut is telling you to split your estate evenly. Here's an exercise: Write on a piece of paper your wishes to leave your children equal amounts, and a letter of hope for peace of mind and happiness for your daughter to go with it.

Then write another letter where you divide your estate among your remaining children, excluding this daughter. Write a letter about why you are doing so, and what you would have wished to have happened instead. Read them aloud in a quiet place, and sit and listen. What does your body tell you? That's your answer.

Write two letters - one excluding and one including your daughter - and read them aloud in a quiet place. What does your body tell you? That's your answer.

Here's what I do know: You say you will never enjoy the company of your daughter again or meet your grandchildren. That is a very unforgiving punishment. You wish to reconcile with your daughter. You can do that in ways that do not involve a response from her or an expectation that she reaches out to you.

If you decide not to include your daughter, for example, you could still do something altruistic by leaving her share to her children. Create a trust, set aside money so they have a down payment on a house and/or set up tax-advantaged 529 college plans. And leave a note that you hope this goes some way in healing the wounds.

Generally, people who will tell you what to do are filtering your dilemma through their own experiences. That includes me, although I try to avoid doing that on a daily basis when answering readers' letters. Some may even have an agenda. So keep that in mind if and/or when you ask others for direction.

Everyone, including me, will have an opinion. Your body, believe it or not, will tell you everything you need to know. You have processed the fact that your daughter has resentments against you - real or perceived - and she refuses to move on from them. You can't change her feelings or her actions. You only have control over your own.

Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you at that moment in time. If you do get a dodgy feeling like you've eaten some out-of-date crawfish after writing it, you know your body and gut are saying you are acting against your true wishes. You can always change your will if your feelings or circumstances change.

Another consideration: What was all that hard graft, blood, sweat and tears for if you end up feeling rotten at the end of your very last day?

You have the freedom to do what you want with your money. It's a gift but, perhaps, feels like a curse. You have worked hard for it. So please don't feel under pressure either way. Give yourself permission to include or exclude your daughter from your will. Don't feel under social pressure from me or anyone else to make that decision.

It's true, I often tell people about the message and, importantly, the feeling they want to leave behind in this world. Another consideration: What was all that hard graft, blood, sweat and tears for if you end up feeling rotten at the end of your very last day? And we all have that last day, whether we know it's coming or not.

And, yes, sometimes, I tell parents, if they want to exclude their adult child, go for it. Oftentimes, that's in a situation where the parent has been abused, coerced or simply done everything they can for a child only to receive nothing, except chaos and unhappiness, in return. It's your money, your choice.

Thank you for sharing your story and for trusting me to give you advice. It's a privilege and I never take it for granted. Your letter is so heartfelt and honest, and the vulnerability you have put on paper is extremely moving. I'm sure many parents and even adult children reading your letter will identify with parts of it.

Related: 'I'm conflicted': I have two sons - one is a hard worker with kids and the other is a 'carefree' actor. Should I leave the 'family man' more money in my will?

The Moneyist regrets he cannot respond to letters individually.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

'I want to meet someone rich': Are dating apps a hotbed of status-conscious singletons looking for wealthy partners?

'We're happily married, mediocre gay men': We're 58, earn $160,000 and saved $2.2 million. We grew up poor. Our families treat us like ATMs.

'He won't evict him': My husband has a tenant from hell. I put all the expenses for his property on my credit card. Am I being used?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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09-11-24 1444ET

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