'Her world is rocked': A friend hit the jackpot, but her old friends are abandoning her one by one. Is there a cure for jealousy?

By Quentin Fottrell

'Is this jealousy or a change in perceived status that has upended her friendships? Any ideas or cures?'

Dear Quentin,

A friend hit the jackpot and came into sudden wealth. Good for her, but for some reason her old friends are now abandoning her one after the other. She has not really changed her lifestyle and is not a braggart. Could the added cash be keeping them away?

Her world is rocked and she is sad about this turn of events. Is this jealousy or a change in perceived status that has upended her friendships? Any ideas or cures? We have discussed this endlessly. By the way, her friends are all financially comfortable.

Still Standing by my Friend

Related: 'I'm weary of repeating myself': How do I deal with rich friends who take $22,000 cruises and book $800 hotel rooms?

Dear Still Standing,

If there was a cure for jealousy, the person who invented it would be as rich as your friend.

Here's the harsh and ugly truth: The more your friend has, the more her friends realize they don't have. In America, people worship celebrities, scroll through Vogue online to ogle and comment on the lifestyles of the rich and famous, and organize parties for awards ceremonies like the Academy Awards. But if our next-door neighbor buys the latest Tesla (TSLA), adds an elaborate extension to their home or builds a swimming pool in their backyard, tongues will start wagging: "Where did they get that money? Who do they think they are? So tacky!"

If you are happy, truly happy, with what you have, you're not going to be as susceptible to feelings of envy and jealousy if a friend has a sudden windfall, earned or not. Some people might recommend that you see other people's success as a motivator. But that merely perpetuates the cycle. Ask any person who gave up their pursuit of money for a life in the country, and got tired of the rat race: Guess what's behind that door to more prestige and money? Another door. There will always be more to strive for.

As the philosopher Alain de Botton writes in his book, "Status Anxiety," we don't compare ourselves with the rich and famous or, generally, hate them for their wealth. We save our ire for people like us: "Our sense of an appropriate limit to anything - for example, to wealth and esteem - is never decided independently. It is decided by comparing our condition with that of a reference group, with that of people we consider to be our equals. We cannot appreciate what we have in isolation, nor be judged against the lives of our medieval forbearers."

If we live in a cottage on a vast estate "and yet we observe that all our equals live as we do, then our condition will seem normal; regrettable, certainly, but not fertile ground for a sense of envy," he writes. "If we have a pleasant home and comfortable job, however, but learn through ill-advised attendance at a school reunion that some of our old friends (there is no stronger reference group) are now living in houses larger than our own, bought on the proceeds of more enticing occupations, we are likely to return home nursing a violent sense of misfortune."

Your friend's closest friend may easily browse the mansions of British royalty or Hollywood stars, actually feel uplifted by the glamor and even imagine herself descending a grand staircase in a diaphanous peignoir, but she is less likely to give your friend the same free pass. If she gets a tour of your friend's new mansion? Heaven help her in this market. "It is the feeling that we might be something other than what we are - a feeling transmitted by the superior achievements of those we take to be our equals - that generates anxiety and resentment," de Botton adds.

Gossip, lies - and money

Gossip and lies can ruin a friendship, but so can money - and not just because of the green-eyed monster. More than one-fifth of people in this study released last month by Bread Financial, a financial-services company, said they had lost a friendship over money, while more than a quarter acknowledged feeling financially incompatible with their friends. Friendships can deteriorate over time if one friend wants to eat in five-star restaurants and take regular vacations to Europe, and the other friend needs to be at work at 9 a.m.

"Money is not the be-all, end-all of any friendship, but it can play a significant role between even the best of friends," says Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, a behavioral-finance expert and consultant to Bread Financial. "This doesn't mean people from different financial backgrounds or [differences in] how they choose to spend their money can't have meaningful connections. However, to develop and sustain strong friendships where money is a recurring factor, it's crucial to have open money conversations, including setting clear financial boundaries and discussing money goals."

If you win $1 million or $100 million, it's best to remain anonymous for a variety of reasons, including the effect it will have on your friends, family and even your personal security. But that's not always possible. New York State, for example, typically requires that lottery winners are part of the public record because the New York Lottery is a government agency. This man wrote to the Moneyist in 2021; he said he won $55 million and kept it secret, even from his family. "I also do not believe in loaning money to friends and relatives, no matter what," he said.

"However, there are certain exceptions and avenues for maintaining anonymity," according to the Law Offices of Jay S. Knispel. "For instance, winners can establish a trust or use legal entities to claim their prize on their behalf, thereby concealing their identity from the public eye. Additionally, recent legislative efforts in New York have been made to provide lottery winners with greater privacy protections. The New York legislature has recognized the importance of safeguarding lottery winners' identities."

So why doesn't your newly minted friend talk to her absent friends, and ask them why they don't return her calls? There's one thing that is more compelling and attractive than all the money in the world, and that's truthfulness and vulnerability. Whether you have a million bucks or store all your wealth in library books, we all have the same amount of time on this planet, the same feelings and the same needs. It's one thing to allow a friendship to die on the vine for reasons that are not clear to you, but I believe it will make your friend feel better if she fights for it.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

'They think I'm rich because I have a very nice house': My friends order pricey dishes in restaurants. Is it rude to ask for a separate check?

I met a woman on Hinge who says she wants a man who believes in 'chivalry.' Is this just code for a free meal?

'I'm not experienced with this amount of money': I'm about to inherit $850,000. What should I do with my windfall?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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06-29-24 0755ET

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