'We get a raw deal': I had the worst Father's Day ever - and it's a cautionary tale for other happy families

By Quentin Fottrell

'It's not about the money or even the card - it's about the recognition for all the hard work dads do to put food on the table and pay the mortgage'

Dear Quentin,

I would like to tell you about the worst Father's Day I ever had. It wasn't because I got a crummy tie, or a card with a generic platitude, or even a mug with "Best Father in the World!" And as much as I would hate to go see Taylor Swift in concert, I would not object if it brought the rest of the family some happiness.

It was because my family forgot about Father's Day.

It happened 10 years ago. I'm over it now, obviously, but it really upset me at the time. (I toned down my language for your column.) Just so you know. It's not about the money or even the card - it's about the recognition for all the hard work dads do to put food on the table and pay the mortgage. We sometimes get a raw deal!

Ten Years Later

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Dear Ten Years Later,

Given that tickets for Taylor Swift's most recent tour cost up to $900 or more, depending on the package, I'm glad you didn't get those concert tickets for Father's Day. I also have a funny feeling that ultimately you would be the one paying for them. Mugs and ties are the Father's Day equivalent of flowers and chocolates for Mother's Day - they're a last-minute gift.

It's a tough one, emotionally and practically: On the one hand, it's hurtful when you see other dads get their dues, and your family have forgotten about your role on Father's Day. On the other hand, it's a Hallmark holiday, and I believe the love, time and respect you spend with your wife and children on every other day of the year is a more meaningful hallmark of the quality of your relationship.

A writer of romance novels told me, "There was a time Mother's Day was one of the biggest days for florists, while Father's Day was the biggest day for collect calls." In the days before cellphones, it turns out there's more than a kernel of truth to this statement. These statistics released by AT&T in the 1990s appear to give credence to that statement. (Snopes added further support.) For separated/divorced parents, at least, it does suggest that many fathers (and their kids) do get a raw deal.

The only way to deal with such a Father's Day snafu - for anyone else who experienced what you did 10 years ago - is to tell your wife and kids that, silly as it may seem, as random and artificial as these Hallmark holidays are, that it's important to you, and your feelings were hurt because you did not get a card. After all, your children become your No. 1 priority (and concern) from the day they are born. That attention should go both ways.

Men are still the breadwinners in the majority of heterosexual relationships, according to the Pew Research Center, and while women are gaining in economic influence they still carry a heavier burden of household duties. Mothers are more likely to take career breaks and work part time than fathers, but this may also be a decision based on the earning power of each spouse. Not all parents (mothers or fathers) have the luxury to take their kids to baseball practice. It's not about apportioning blame.

The perils of 'invisible labor'

Let's assume that you and your wife divide your responsibilities equally, and look at the broader picture of fathers and mothers in American society. Women still tend to do more of the "invisible" labor at home, despite more fathers stepping up to the plate in recent decades. They also take on more caretaking duties. That's not always the father's fault. But this may partly explain why Mother's Day is rarely forgotten.

Writer Emily Oster discusses the concept of invisible labor on her blog, Parent Data. "It's the work - in our households especially - that has to happen but that no one sees," she says. "It's making the doctor's appointment, ensuring the Valentine's cards are purchased, remembering the milk." It's child care, cooking and cleaning, and all the stuff that gets done when you're not looking.

"When we think about equity in household labor, we often find that there are already inequities in the visible work, and they can become insurmountable when the invisible work is added in," she adds. A doctor's appointment, Oster notes, involves remembering the appointment and telling a child's school about the appointment, in addition to driving and waiting for the appointment.

"This is one of the most common sources of resentment, unhappiness, anger, in parents that I talk to," she writes. "And when one person is doing the lion's share of that work and doesn't always feel acknowledged for it, it can bubble up, it can linger. It can cause our marriages, our relationships to be less than they would be otherwise."

Parenting styles of moms and dads

That's not to say father's don't sometimes get a raw deal. This study by the Pew Research Center found that "fathers are more likely than mothers to say they feel judged by their spouse or partner at least sometimes for how they parent their children, but mothers are more likely than fathers to say they feel judged by people other than their spouse or partner."

But their respective concerns appear to vary. "Mothers and fathers are about equally likely to say being a parent is enjoyable and rewarding, but larger shares of mothers than fathers say parenting is tiring (47% vs. 34%) and stressful (33% vs. 24%) at least most of the time," the study found. That could be because they take on more of the "emotional labor."

Financial parenting styles between moms and dads also seem to vary, if you put any faith in social science. MassMutual's latest Consumer Spending & Saving Survey concluded that fathers are more likely to teach their kids how to manage debt compared to mothers (46% vs. 38%). Mothers have a higher level of influence on their kids as far as learning how to manage personal finances compared to fathers (59% vs. 53%).

I'm sorry that you were forgotten about. That's not cool. But there is, perhaps, a reason why Father's Day may get overlooked or not be such a big deal in some households from time to time. The marketing and advertising surrounding Mother's Day starts earlier and, arguably, has more impact. Given that women - not men - give birth, it's hard to begrudge mothers that.

And, yes, we collectively spend more on Mother's Day than Father's Day ($37 billion last year vs. $23 billion). The other mistake people tend to make when giving Father's Day gifts is either being too glib (novelty underwear) or mixing up a gift that is actually for the entire family (an outdoor grill). Sometimes breakfast in bed and a thoughtfully written card is all that any dad really needs.

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-Quentin Fottrell

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06-23-24 1534ET

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