'She won't be happy until he's in a homeless shelter': My sister wants our father to refinance his $1.2 million home to pay off her $120,000 debt

By Quentin Fottrell

'My father worked hard his entire life in public transport and retired about seven years ago'

Dear Quentin,

My father worked hard his entire life in public transport and retired about seven years ago. He lives in a neighborhood about three miles north of San Diego, in a house that is now worth a lot of money. It was, ironically, all he could afford when he and my late mother were married. They had three children: one boy and two girls. My brother and I are married with kids, and my sister is divorced with no children. She has always had a lot of problems.

Most of these problems, I believe, have been self-inflicted. My father is now being pressured by this sister to sell his $1.2 million house to help pay off her debts, which total about $120,000. They're a mixture of bad investments in a salon that went belly-up, personal loans and credit cards. She rents a condo about a mile from our dad. There is a remaining mortgage on the house of approximately $230,000 with a 4.6% interest rate. He has done well to make it to retirement happy and healthy, and now this.

They do get along, and he relies on her to take him food shopping and to doctors' appointments, and they also spend a lot of time together. She has a lot more time on her hands than my brother and I do. Their relationship could be described as codependent, but now I believe that it's becoming more toxic than that. Over the years, I've let things slide. After our mother died, my sister helped herself to her best pieces of jewelry. That was not a battle I was prepared to fight at the time.

But this time she is, I believe, going too far. His house means the world to him, but if he didn't feel burdened by this unreasonable request, I don't believe he would have told me about it. I'm obviously glad he did. She won't be happy until he's in a homeless shelter. Why do some people make their problems everyone else's problems? This has been going on her entire life, and I am no longer prepared to sit by and say nothing. The stakes are too high this time. What should we do?

The Good Sister

Related: 'We, his children, do not trust her': My elderly father is recently widowed. His new girlfriend is putting him under pressure to get married. What can we do?

Dear Sister,

Elder abuse often takes place in the shadows.

So your first priority is to bring this issue into the light. Talk to your dad about his joys and concerns, ask how you can help, and with the assistance of his attorney and his doctor, make sure he is in good financial and physical health. Put a file with his bank statements, life-insurance documents and retirement-account information in a safe place. Review them regularly with him to ensure there are no erroneous transactions.

Next, talk to your sister. Tell her that refinancing your father's house is out of the question - not because mortgage rates are currently around 7%, but because your father's security is not a solution to her financial problems. If she wants your help to put together a payment plan, you could offer that. But driving your father to doctors' appointments does not entitle her to a gift tax.

I'm glad you're writing now, before the damage is done. You could file a petition to have power of attorney for your father. If his health worsens, you could also file a petition for conservatorship or guardianship. You could also ask your father to make you a co-signer on his accounts. You can also consult the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys, the National Association of Estate Planners & Councils or your local long-term care ombudsman. Read more here.

Your sister has gotten away with minor infractions - a brooch here and a ring there, perhaps - but pushing your father to refinance his house in order to pay off her debts is clearly a step too far. First it's an offer of help, then a request for a small loan - $50, $100 - and soon the rent is late. It's a tale that pulls at the heartstrings. Next, it might be large checks, clothing, jewelry and expensive artwork.

I recently received this letter from a reader who said her mother was bullied, abused and coerced into signing her home away by a cousin. Elder abuse is a mandatory felony in most states and, while I was cautiously optimistic that the person in the aforementioned letter would be brought to justice and the home would be restored to its rightful owner, that's a laborious, expensive and stressful process.

Penalties for elder abuse

"States with high proportions or numbers of older adults often create stricter and more expansive laws and regulations to protect the elderly from mistreatment," according to the Nursing Home Abuse Center, an organization that provides resources for people who are victims of or are at risk of elder abuse. "The penalties for elder abuse may also be harsher in these states."

An estimated 5 million people in the U.S. suffer from elder abuse and lose $36 billion annually as a result. Typically, if you suspect someone of elder abuse - whether it's emotional, physical, psychological or financial - you should report them to adult protective services, local law-enforcement authorities or your district attorney's office.

The National Center on Elder Abuse, a government agency affiliated with the U.S. Administration on Aging, says that one in 10 people over the age of 60 in the U.S. experienced some form of abuse in the prior year. Research still lags on all the new forms of financial abuse, and the most painful and sometimes difficult part to understand is that it often happens with the tacit consent of the victim.

Elder abuse comes in many forms, including coercion, neglect, isolation and abandonment. The abuse can be physical, sexual or financial. Signs of financial abuse include fraudulent signatures on documents, overdue bills and "unusual or sudden changes in spending patterns, will or other financial documents," according to the nonprofit National Council on Aging.

You ask: "Why do some people make their problems everyone else's problems?" There's no one answer to that question, but some reasons may be greed, desperation, entitlement or even underlying issues related to mental health or substance misuse. The focus should be on ensuring that your father lives his remaining years with peace of mind and the knowledge that he and his home are safe from any untrustworthy third party.

Other letters to Quentin Fottrell on elder abuse:

'Could a nefarious caregiver steal her money?' My mom, 91, has a $5 million portfolio, but leaves her passwords lying around the house.

'She was very special to me': My late 98-year-old cousin was targeted by grifters. They stole $800,000. Do I have any recourse?

My elderly father is losing his cognitive abilities. I'm afraid my 4 siblings will take over his $300,000 bank account, and move into his house when he dies

'I didn't see how this could happen to my family - until now': My brother drained $200,000 from my mother's savings. How can I stop him?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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06-20-24 1040ET

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