I met a woman on Hinge who says she wants a man who believes in 'chivalry.' Is this just code for a free meal?

By Quentin Fottrell

'She said her ideal date was a man who would give her a choice of three restaurants and take charge of the date'

Dear Quentin,

I am in my late 50s and have my own business.

Last week, I met a woman on Hinge (MTCH) who was very pretty (probably about 10 years younger than me) and almost seemed too good to be true. She said she was looking for a man who believed in "chivalry." The more I chatted with her, the more I began to suspect that chivalry was a code word for "I want my date to pay for dinner."

In other words, she was looking for a "foodie call."

I messaged her to suggest we go on a "low-key" date. By that, I really meant not dinner on a first date. She replied, "What do you mean by low-key?" I have not replied.

Am I wrong? When I listened to her audio file on Hinge, she said her ideal date was a man who would give her a choice of three restaurants and take charge of the date.

"Harvey" in Hudson Heights

Related: 'She has been homeless at times': How can I leave my financially irresponsible daughter $500,000?

Dear Harvey,

She wants you to take charge - preferably with your charge card.

This is a classic "foodie call," not to be confused with a "booty call." The former happens when someone dates for a free meal without the expectation or intention of having a second date; the latter is just about sex. Social-media sites are chockablock with tales of "foodie calls," which predominantly involve men taking women out for dinner and never seeing them again. I have no doubt this happens with same-sex couples, too, particularly if one person is older or wealthier than the other, but the current social science and social-media anecdotes primarily focus on men and women.

Why should anyone care about dating rituals and what they say about your prospective partner, particularly as they relate to your finances? Aside from buying a home, the biggest financial and legal commitment you will make in your lifetime will be your choice of partner. Divorce can cost tens of thousands of dollars, and it can cost you 10 or 50 times that in terms of your personal wealth. Marrying a deadbeat can also take a toll on your ability to retire. Exhibit A: this woman, who said her husband pledged to "bleed her dry" and take half of her $1.3 million home.

"Foodie call" is a pretty sexist term, as it primarily relates to men buying dinner for women who they, in theory, will never see again for a second date. But it works both ways. I've received plenty of letters from women who have dated scroungers. This guy was a real piece of work: He didn't pay for dinner because he "forgot" his wallet and actually had the brass neck to take the receipt to write it off as a business expense. And this chump made an "indecent proposal" by only accepting a dinner invitation on the condition that he could stay over and avoid spending $400 on a hotel.

'Foodie calls' and narcissistic personalities

Most people will know by the end of a coffee or dinner date whether there's chemistry, and if you won't have a chance to return the compliment, go Dutch. Dinner and wine in most major cities will set you back more than $100. If you go on two dinner dates a week, that's $800 a month.

The term "foodie calls" was popularized by psychologists Brian Collisson, Jennifer Howell and Trista Harig in their research "Foodie Calls: When Women Date Men for a Free Meal (Rather Than a Relationship)," published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science. "In two studies, we surveyed women regarding their foodie call behavior, dark triad personality traits, traditional gender role beliefs, and online dating history," they wrote. "We found 23%-33% of women surveyed had engaged in a foodie call."

In their first study, they found that the "dark triad and traditional gender role beliefs significantly predicted previous foodie call behavior and its perceived acceptability." Their second study also suggested that "dark triad traits" predicted foodie calls and their perceived acceptability.

The dark triad consists of narcissism (extreme self-centeredness), Machiavellianism (manipulation of others) and psychopathy (acting impulsively with no regard for other people's feelings). One is bad enough. All three would make for a difficult first date and marriage, and make one hell of a divorce. In other words, someone who believes they should be "wined and dined" as a precondition for meeting should, I believe, be avoided.

Narcissists don't show up with a big neon sign. They can be charming and attentive while engaging you. They shower you with compliments and smiles. They figure out what you want and they give it to you. If you are romantic, they will talk about their wish for long walks and lolling about on an island paradise. If you love board games, they will too, even if you are already involved in a game of virtual chess unbeknownst to you. They identify what you want and aim to give it to you 10 times over - until they don't.

Instagram as a 'marketing tool' for dating

Another way to get clues about your prospective date's personality traits: their social-media profiles. In the era of Facebook, X, Snapchat (SNAP) and Instagram, people are more adept at curating their own personal brands. Indeed, people who post selfies on social networks like Instagram and Facebook are more likely to exhibit the dark triad of personality traits, according to a study of 1,200 men and women who completed personality tests and answered questions about their online habits. Singles use Instagram (META) as a marketing tool.

What's missing from this conversation is the accountability of the men who are buying dinner and believing that they are owed something in return - be it a second date, a kiss or more. That's not exactly stellar behavior either. For every man or woman who expects their date to buy them dinner, there will be a person who is willing to buy dinner - sometimes because they believe it's polite and in line with social mores and, yes, because they believe they too will get something out of this equation. It takes two to tango, but only one person to pick up the check.

Young men still pay for 90% of dates, while women pay 2% of the time, according to a study of heterosexual college students published last year in the journal Psychological Reports; 8% of the time, they split the check. Obviously, not everyone who allows someone to pay for them on a first date is a narcissist. But it does mean that dating is expensive, primarily for men.

Whether it's a coffee at Starbucks (SBUX) or a dinner date, choose wisely.

'My husband and I have 8 kids': We have $200,000 in a high-yield savings account at 3.75%. Are we beating inflation?

'He's an egomaniac': My husband said he'll flush his $1.5 million IRA 'down the toilet' rather than split it with me in our divorce. What can I do?

'He always managed to play golf': My husband of 14 years never worked and now we're divorcing. He wants half of my $1 million home. What now?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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06-19-24 1314ET

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