'I'm struggling with grief and loss': I inherited seven figures after my parents died young. Why do I feel guilty?

By Quentin Fottrell

'It's odd that, in life, loss and money can be so tied up, and death can be a financial boon for bereaved people'

Dear Quentin,

I have a problem that by some measures isn't a problem. My financial health is very good, but for hard and sad reasons - the early deaths of both of my parents. As a youngish person, I've inherited seven figures of wealth, and am a single person with no dependents.

Frankly, I just don't know how to process it. I feel sad about my parents and guilty that I have this money. I feel like I didn't earn the money, and also that I don't know how to tell people in my life - my career and lifestyle would naturally lead people to think my savings are more modest.

I almost feel like I'm tricking people, or lying by omission, but it's hard to say, "I'm rich." Above all, I don't know how to process something that's by an objective measure amazing - don't we all dream of a windfall? - but subjectively it's incredibly sad and confusing.

Importantly, I am also aware that I am struggling with grief and loss, and that is manifesting in these concerns about money. But it's odd that, in life, loss and money can be so tied up, and death can be a financial boon for bereaved people.

How does one process these events, which have such totally different emotional tenors?

The Daughter

Related: 'He has never paid rent or utilities:' Do I have the legal and moral authority to charge my brother rent to live in our family home?

Dear Daughter,

The first step is to acknowledge your feelings and write them down. By doing that, you are no longer allowing them to have power over you. You are taking your agency back as a daughter and as the independent woman your parents knew you would become.

They never would have left you this money if they thought you could not handle it and, more importantly, if they did not think that you had earned it by all the good deeds, big and small, throughout your life. In order to process their death and your new life, you need time.

Your folks obviously worked hard to ensure you had the best life, free from financial worry, and they would want you to enjoy your inheritance. But your feelings of guilt are not unusual. Give yourself a mantra for quiet moments: "My parents are with me and want me to be happy."

Nobody has a right to - or should - count other people's money and, if that is the measure of how we judge others in the world, something's very wrong. Of course, people do. But many people also respond to their peers based on how they make them feel. That's how I try to navigate the world.

Your grief is pure and precious and natural and real. It's going to take time to journey through this stage of your life and become accustomed to your new place in the world, as a person whose parents loved them and left far too early. But that love and those memories stay with us.

There is so much good you can do with your inheritance. You could support philanthropic causes or start your own. The only evergreen answer to any philosophical question is to carry out an act of kindness, however big or small, and that includes being kind to yourself.

A place of stability and independence

And your inheritance? It gives you so many options - food, shelter and education chief among them. Whether you inherited a modest sum or a large fortune, your parents' estate certainly affords you those opportunities. Everything else is gravy and, frankly, it's nobody's business but your own.

Like you, I recently thought about what I actually want and need in life, and my needs are basic: lots of downtime, walks in the park with family, Scrabble, breaking bread with friends, playing tennis a few times a week, a few low-key trips in the summer, the theater, books and movies.

It took a long time to realize just how little I really need. We spend our lives trying to reach that place of stability and independence - and it's different for everyone - so we can enjoy those simple things and spend time with those who mean the most to us. Your parents have given you that gift.

It's a tragedy that they are not here anymore, but it's also a beautiful thing that they have given you the opportunity to explore the world in their absence and meet new people who share their values and ideals. For that and so many other reasons, they will always be a part of your life.

You now have the time, freedom and, yes, the luxury to explore, travel, volunteer, set up a business, work in a bookstore, indulge in cultural activities and sports that feed your soul, stay home and enjoy your garden with friends - or even sell vintage teapots in a local flea market.

Your parents want you to walk proudly and with dignity into this new chapter of your life. And they are right alongside you all the way. And with this financial freedom, they have also given the world a gift by allowing others the pleasure of getting to know you - and your many qualities.

The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

'He forced me to take Social Security at 62': My husband inherited millions, but never gave me a penny. If I divorce him, would I get any of it?

'My mom still has his original will': A few months before he died, my father went online and made a secret will, cutting off my mother. Can he do this?

'I have zero regrets': I'm 84 and estranged from my two adult sons. My 48-year-old wife will get my seven-figure estate. Is that selfish?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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09-25-24 1541ET

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