'I have zero regrets': I'm 84 and estranged from my two adult sons. My 48-year-old wife will get my seven-figure estate. Is that selfish?

By Quentin Fottrell

'My will and trust will exclude everyone that carries my family name'

Dear Quentin,

I am an 84-year-old, longtime reader of your educational advice columns. Let me get right to the point: I always disagree with your kindhearted responses. You, it seems, side with children against parents who are only wanting to ensure a bloodline inheritance.

I have two grown sons, one of whom has two adult children with offspring of their own who I have never met. My oldest child is 60, childless, on their second marriage and has many stepchildren and step-grandchildren who I have never met - and nor do I want to.

My will and trust will exclude everyone that carries my family name. I had a favorite younger son (who is now 59). I have it on good authority that his spouse married him so she could give him children, divorce him, get child support and alimony, and inherit everything I own.

"Neither me nor my former wife were invited to our son's wedding, birthday celebrations or any family functions."

Neither me nor my former wife were invited to our son's wedding, birthday celebrations or any family functions. There are zero reasons - other than greed as we are just comfortably blessed with enough money, through hard work - why they would exclude us.

We have not had any contact whatsoever in recent years with my sons and I have zero regrets. I only wish for their happiness. I have a seven-figure estate, which is going to my 48-year-old second wife who has taken exceptional care of me for the past two decades.

Thank you for letting me vent. Some background about me: I immigrated to the U.S. in 1950 as a 10-year-old with my mother and my stepfather, who was the greatest. We had no English and all they had was $5 in cash. I have no other siblings.

I doubt this will ever be published so other parents like me, who have no intention of leaving their children a dime and have no regrets about it, can see that they are not alone. Do you think it's selfish or wrong of me to take this stance?

Father of Two

Related: 'I don't want anyone telling me what to do': My second husband wants to put our $750,000 home in a trust for his children. Does he have the right?

Dear Father,

We can disagree to agree, or agree to disagree or, even better, agree to agree.

Because we are, in fact, on the same page. I err on the side of letting go of animosity in whatever form. The problem with an ill wind is that, if you do hold resentments for someone else, be it a friend or family member, the ill wind often comes blowing back in your direction.

Fortunately, you wish your children a happy life, even if you can't be part of it. And from what you say, you seem at peace with the status quo, and are content with your current partner. If a parent is conflicted about what to do, I don't believe it's my job to make that decision for them.

You don't say why you fell out with your sons. To become estranged from one child is unfortunate, but to become estranged from two is tragic. You have processed the experience and moved on. And by your own account, you have a supportive and loving wife.

You're not alone in estrangement from your kids. This research published in the European Journal of Ageing looked at 55 cases involving heirs, donors and professionals, attempting to understand people's motivations and mistakes when carving up their estate among their heirs.

The researchers identified four reasons for leaving people an inheritance: altruism driven by family solidarity (it feels good to be nice), equity to maintain family unity, egoism and reciprocity ("I give to you if you give to me"). You don't have to subscribe to any of them.

As you say, your work here is done. "Altruistic motivation rests on family values (shared by heirs and donors), which aim to maintain family identity, therefore the inheritance of moral principles is valued in the absence of material inheritance," the authors wrote.

"Equality-oriented motivation lies in the maintenance of family ties - avoidance of conflicts - and recognizes individual needs," they added. You are treating both your sons equally by leaving no inheritance to either one. You are, if nothing else, consistent.

Fortunately, you wish your children a happy life, even if you can't be part of it.

Oddly, more children appear to clash horns with their father rather than their mother. A 2023 study, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, found that 6% of respondents reported an estrangement from their mothers, while 26% reported an estrangement from their fathers.

It broke down the results by gender, ethnicity and sexuality. Daughters were less likely to be estranged from their mothers; Black adult children were less likely than their white peers to be estranged from their mothers, but more likely to be estranged from their fathers.

Gay, lesbian and bisexual children were more likely than heterosexuals to be estranged from fathers. Indeed, earlier this week I received a letter from a gay male couple living in Tucson, Ariz., who were not in touch with either of their families, and they had no one but each other.

The reasons for estrangement are vast and varied. They include divorce, physical distance, the belief that the child was not cared for when they were younger, and physical, emotional or sexual abuse. More people reconciled with their mother (81%) than father (69%).

Estrangement is never easy or simple, the American Psychological Association said in April: "The difference between societal ideals around what family should be and the reality of messy family behavior can often trigger shame and a hesitancy to speak about the estrangement."

And pushing people back together is not always the best option. Every family is different. "Even well-meaning clinicians may inadvertently contribute to the pain of the estranged patient by encouraging them to reconcile when it may not actually be safe to do so," the APA added.

Finally, you've had quite the journey - with your own parents and with your children. I'm happy to publish your letter. I don't think you're being selfish and I'm not here to judge you. You worked hard for your money, and you have every right to do with it what you please.

Freedom to make choices is one big benefit of financial independence.

The Moneyist regrets he cannot respond to letters individually.

More columns from Quentin Fottrell:

I give my mother's ailing next-door neighbor $500 a month. She agreed to sell me her house, although she'll continue to live there. Is this a good plan?

'We're happily married, mediocre gay men': We're 58, earn $160,000 and saved $2.2 million. We grew up poor. Our families treat us like ATMs. Are we OK?

'I'm sick of dating losers': Are single Americans looking for love online - or money? It's hard to tell the difference.

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-Quentin Fottrell

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09-22-24 0919ET

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